Hi.

Very good!
I like this one much better than the previous.

I'm not sure how I feel about your use of old fashioned
English. Part of me feels that you should write in your own
contemporary voice. Part of me feels that it is merely imitative of Shakespeare. Another part of me feels
that this is a wonderfully written poem. If you enjoy it,
do not let me stop you.

I envy your ability to write a sonnet! Did you start reading sonnets in school or or your own?

Did you mean to make the word revelation, revelation's ?

Actually, it's interesting that you pointed it out, because when I was writing it, I did spend around ten minutes thinking about whether I should make it revelation's or revelation. But I decided revelation because the passing of the sun itself is the revelation. At the same time the revelation is an entrance into another...not world, but another mindset or stage of life. Depending on how much one takes from the event personally. I had very specific people in mind, however, so it worked.

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Koinonia of Life | Eternal Waves | C & E Travels

wow this is very good i like the way that u use this to get a point across

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"Forgive me,
I have but two faces
One for the world,
One for God "

Emppuaholic
member of ~bb-lovers

I found sonnets so difficult to write..but you make it look very easy. It's great! Good concept and everything.

Great job! What a sonnet.

[ Feel thy loss tremble in the stillness, and
Sit silently in thy melancholy. ]

Good flow with great words.
White moon... You created imgery very well.
Excellent.

Pixie

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My Photo Works Pixie - Closet (Pixie inside)

Thank you so much for your comment!

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Koinonia of Life | Eternal Waves | C & E Travels

You are very welcome.

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My Photo Works Pixie - Closet (Pixie inside)

I'd already responded to this comment, but going back to look at the poem, I realised that I had unwittingly mixed in a bit of the Chinese way of expressing things. For example, my mommy likes to say "yi pian deng hai" when she describes the ocean of lights that we can see from our apartment balcony. It is translated as "ocean of lights," but a word-for-word translation would read, "a sheet of light ocean." In Chinese, most nouns can be changed into adjectives just by placing them before another noun. It is not as structured as the English language so the function of a word in a sentence is almost completely determined by syntax. So just as I'd mentioned in the other response, I had spent a long time thinking about whether I should say " revelation" or "revelation's". But I chose to say "revelation" because I wanted to use the word as an adjective, but at the same time because I wanted it to play an equal role in the line as "gates."

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Koinonia of Life | Eternal Waves | C & E Travels